Today marked the first day of winter break, at least as far as after-school programs are concerned. I can't help but feel a pang of guilt every time I rejoice at their absence: I mean, what about the kids, or even the volunteers?

Today in our Monday meeting our executive director came down from her office to listen to our words about expectations, realities, accomplishments and frustrations. I mentioned these programs as my greatest frustration as well as one of my greatest sources of pride. When I arrived at the school I didn't expect my role as director of the after-school programs would be so all-encompassing. I didn't expect the programs themselves to need so much supervision, and I generally underestimated the commitment. We have had our share of challenges, both from kids and volunteers. School staff has not always been supportive or understanding.

At the same time, I personally have led the way through a lot of meetings, emails, suspensions and solid progress. The big picture looks a lot better than it did a couple months ago, as does the scene when you walk into the classroom. I have been part of the team that decided to change the course of the program, even if it's just because I happened to be there.

So yes, the after-school programs have been a black hole for my time and a huge pain, among other things. They have also introduced me to a lot of awesome volunteers and kids, as well as given me a chance to be persistent, flexible and creative in my position. After-school programs are my primary opportunity to interact with the kids one on one, and I'll miss that next semester when I (hopefully) am not around as much.

All that said, shaking free of this burden (we'll call it what it is, even if I've gained a lot from it) will give me so much opportunity to do the work I've been placed here to do.

It really has been more than a month since I posted an update. I need to be better about that.

Even though I'm exhausted from my day at work and the annual meeting tonight, I'm going to take the time to sit down and summarize some of the things that have happened lately.

Coordinating Council meeting: success! I was pretty nervous about this one. Despite the fact that I have been told explicitly that I am not a Community School Director, I can't help but feel like the ultimate success for me would be to work at that level. I have probably mentioned before my tendency to set ridiculously high standards for myself. Not very helpful is that my first impression of my job was meeting the Community School Director at the Barclay School, and I didn't bother to distinguish between her job and that of the VISTA. Hmmm...so how are our jobs different? I still haven't answered that question, and maybe that is why I still feel like I can set a perfect stage for when my school does become a community school. My goal, in a way, is to show everyone that this is a job I can do, and even though we didn't get the community schools grant I can do all the work that staff paerson would have done had they been there. Pretty unrealistic, considering I spend much of my time bogged down with the after-school program.

Tangent. The Coordinating Council went well, or so I was told. I have trouble gaging the success of these things. It felt like I had never chaired a meeting before, even though it was just a more adult version of what I did for two years with the Venture Crew. We got through it, though, and will be meeting again in January. By then I will have done needs assessment surveys (kind of like climate surveys) and we will have lots to talk about. I'm excited to bring everyone back together. I really want to see more things moving forward.

Tonight we had our annual meeting, where everyone dresses up and attends a nice awards ceremony/banquet honoring those who have given a substantial amount of time and resources to our organization. There are a lot of amazing people connected to Greater Homewood, and seeing them collected in one place can be an inspiring and reaffirming experience.

Sometimes it can be easy to forget how I got here, what I prayed for, and the reason I come to work every day. I walked out of the dinner tonight filled with a renewed sense of purpose and a sense of excitement at all the possibilities I have in front of me. The one thing I cannot do for the kids I serve -- any of them -- is give up on them. It may be hard sometimes, but this is where I am called to be. I wrote in my jaclyncole.com blog about the MICA masters degree program in community arts, and maybe I will copy it here at some point. However I do it, when I finish my contract in June I need to keep doing this work.

Tonight our executive director embarrassed and flattered us VISTAs by asking us to stand up and be recognized for our work. As some of Greater Homewood's biggest supporters and donors stood around us and applauded, it was a good time to remember why I'm here. No matter what, I have a great support system here. I have been told that in the real world, when you get a real job, no one ever thanks you for doing the right thing, it's just expected. Maybe that is how the rest of the world is, but not here. Here, each and every person gets a "thank you" in turn. Our jobs aren't always easy, but at least we have a lot of great people on our side.

Right now I feel like I should be wrapping up my work week. Instead I am on my laptop, in bed, with some intentions of checking my GHCC email and slogging through some paperwork before the day is over.

Yesterday I was in bed all day, slightly feverish and hurting all over, recovering from a stomach virus I no doubt picked up at the school. I know this because I have not gotten a stomach virus since first grade. There are perils to returning to elementary school, for sure.

When I was young and stayed home sick, my mom would often insist that I take an extra "day of rest" on the first day I woke up feeling better. I remembered this as I got into my car this morning exhausted from the task of getting dressed and ready to leave. As my mother may have predicted, I hardly got anything done and ended up leaving after a few hours anyway because I had a killer headache and absolutely no energy. Mind you, in the past 36 hours I had eaten nothing but a soft pretzel and a piece of toast, which may have had something to do with it.

So here I am with my cat, Katie, sleeping on the bed next to me, hoping I'll be well enough to do at least half of the fun things I had planned for tomorrow. At least I have eaten a substantial amount since getting home: half a package of ramen noodles and two small pieces of chocolate.

This is getting a little ridiculous. I'm ready to see my energy and good health come back now.

In almost everything I do, I want it to be perfect. Recently I was talking to a teacher I had in grade school about my sister, who is now one of her students. "She is so serious, and very hard on herself. Remind you of anyone???"

Born 14 years apart, we are surprisingly similar in some of our mannerisms and attitudes. One of the most striking examples is that pursuit of perfection and the difficulties we face just to keep going in the face of frustration.

If I am working on a task that matters to me, I want it to be perfect. From the outside I am sure it looks like I am doing a good job, but I still feel like I am underachieving, like there is something more I should be doing, like I am not working hard enough. When faced with adversity or challenge I never give up, but it is so overwhelming to keep wanting more and more from myself and knowing I don't have a ready source to draw it from. Somehow I need to find a way to turn around and see it all from the other side, see the bigger picture, and know I still have the power to exceed others' expectations even if I cannot exceed my own.

Spectacles

Moving along.

It has been a long time since I posted anything, and I feel like I should be saying something. Honestly, there has been a lot to say and little time to say it. I have been so busy recently and it is just now beginning to catch up with me. Because the vision program has sucked so much of my time in the past couple weeks, I am behind on everything else. I have a meeting to match kids for Big Brothers/Big Sisters tomorrow, and I am still getting referral forms. I'm getting three new Experience Corps members tomorrow and I have not warned the teachers -- I will be arriving before the school day starts to duck my head in and ask a few teachers I have in mind. Luckily, I have learned that if you give teachers too much advance warning they can forget what I told them. They are all as busy as I am, and the more weathered ones who know the plight of the VISTA have already expressed their sympathies.

I have to lead a training session for my after-school volunteers on Wednesday and I have not put together an agenda or ordered food. My work-study is coming tomorrow and I am not 100% excited to be thinking about what two of us should be doing as opposed to just me.

All in all, though, I am probably doing fine. I was talking to one of my coworkers at the office -- easily the sweetest person I have ever met -- and he seemed to think I would do a good job. "I just have a feeling," he said, and reminded me I have an excellent support system there. Whenever I thank him for being so kind he just says "that's what we do here." And it is. I do have a great support system, and I also know myself well enough to realize I will never be complacent about my job. I was 100% confident when I worked in the Staples Copy Center. Every day I went in with a feeling of mastery of my responsibilities there, but my role was very concrete. At this point in my life I am actively seeking a challenge, not a job that will provide an easy feeling of competence. No matter how well I do here, I will never be totally satisfied. I will always know there is more I could have done and I will always try to reach for it the next time. It is in my nature to be hard on myself, I just have to practice channeling that energy toward the positive.

In my mind I keep seeing news photos of blood running down the sidewalk. I got an unexpected voicemail from a friend and old neighbor/housemate the day after saying he had moved and I found it strange, having not yet found out a man had been murdered across the street from our house. Now I can't get in touch with him to ask if this is what drove him out.

Someone died with their skull cut open on a piece of sidewalk I must have walked on a thousand times. The lack of a reason, a motive, any explanation at all at this point, gnaws a hollow in my heart. How does a community begin to accept death when it is this senseless, perpetrated against a random, innocent person merely caught in the wrong place at the wrong time?

I work in a city with a murder rate second only to Detroit. What really rattles me is I'm not writing about Baltimore, I'm writing about a small college town in Amish country where I spent the past three years of my life.

If I went to Park Heights and talked about this one murder, the first in the town since 1982, people would say everyone should be so lucky. That just underscores the tragedy of a city so ravaged by homicides. How do people exist in a world where death is so commonplace and it's so rarely possible to make sense out of life? When I look at children in the schools and streets, I forget that in many neighborhoods by age 10 they have all seen a dead body under a sheet.

I am not sure how I would cope if I still lived in that apartment, if I remembered every time I walked outside that an innocent life had died right beneath my feet. But what about the people who can't escape? What about the people who live their whole life witnessing senseless loss of life in their street, their block, their neighborhood? How do they keep going? How do we blame them for losing sight of hope and optimism, a sense of things working out for the best?