Random thoughts on VISTA training.

On Monday VISTA training began in earnest. Before diving into the inner workings of Greater Homewood and the Baltimore City schools, a trip to Carma's was in order. Many of my companions followed my example and ordered iced honey lattes, which are heavenly (especially when made with soy milk, and any mixture of coffee and soy requires considerable skill) and I have only ever seen them at Carma's. Also, their signature Icelandic style yogurt and fruit compote never disappoint.

I feel like we have gotten a pleasing mix of slow-digesting information along with ample down time to bond, reflect and, of course, eat. We have two weeks to ease into our new school VISTA skins, and I am thankful for a schedule that gives ample time for learning, work, and play.

Despite being bitterly exhausted from entertaining houseguests in the evenings, the past few days have provided a space to acclimate to my new life. If I learned anything from college, it is that I need to identify potentially harmful tendencies and manage them gracefully from the beginning. During individual meetings today I expressed my concern that I would end up volunteering to attend community meetings, staying in the city literally all day. After burning myself out in such a brutal way during my last year of college, I know I can't return to that lifestyle. I was downright miserable filling 18 hours of the day, for several days per week, with my work. While I'm also downright miserable not working at all, I need to learn to find a balance. This job will absorb as much life energy and time as I allow it. I have never had a problem motivating myself toward high achievement, but admitting limitations of any kind has proven difficult if not impossible at every turn.

Speaking of challenges, I feel like I have some sort of addiction to them. I've received my share of compliments in life, but most of what I see in myself is potential. Of course I'm capable of great things, I just haven't done them yet. I'm always working toward something, hoping, grasping, waiting. Finally, I have an open arena to achieve and excel. I just hope I am up to the challenge.

That has to be everyone's relationship with this job, though. It seems like the only relationship that is sane. The opportunities for learning, personal growth, autonomy, collaboration, and contribution to society are fairly limitless, a fact that is both inspiring and terrifying. Presumably, many others have come before me and I was selected for the job because my superiors thought I would be successful. They have been at this for a while, which almost certainly means I can do it. But everyone has to think, at some point, what if I'm not up to it? What if I don't do enough, can't do enough?