Today was a Good Day. I secured a number of donations for the JHU Freshman Day of Service on Wednesday. Today I picked up a five-gallon bucket of Sherwin-Williams gloss finish exterior latex paint. Tomorrow some folks from Hopkins should be dropping off paint rollers and trays, trash bags, gloves, and possibly some gardening supplies. In-kind donation forms and thank-you letters abound.

I woke up this morning with a headache that began last night. Despite a grumpy start to the day I managed to keep my energy and spirits high enough to do what I needed to do. When I got to the office to print and copy the paperwork for the Sherwin-Williams donation (and use the cool postage machine!), however, I was manic and shaky with hunger, probably a result of last night's visit to the gym. Luckily, Karen was there and suffering for lack of food and fresh air as well, and we walked over to Carma's. I ate gazpacho outside and hoped I wasn't too poor a conversationalist due to being undernourished and sleepy.

This afternoon I was pleased with the day's work and couldn't wait to come home and ask Doug to go out to dinner with me. There was a coin toss along my way, and I threw all the change I had into the boot of a smiling fireman with kind eyes. It wasn't very much, but he said "thank you, God bless you," and there was just enough time for this exchange before the light turned green and my time on Gwynns Falls Parkway was over.

So, I am currently trying to figure out how to post a long piece of writing without showing it all on the page at once. For anyone familiar with LiveJournal, I am dearly missing the tag. Since Blogger doesn't seem to give me the option of putting a long chunk of text behind a cut, I am going to wait until version 2.0 of my website is up and running and host it from there.

I was reading my friend Matt Fowler's blog today, and there was one entry in particular that interested me. Matt is doing a year of service for Mission Year, so we will really benefit from sharing our experiences with each other.

His third entry really struck me because it reflects an attitude I encounter all too often. When I first committed myself to this idea of year-long service to my fellow people, I expected my friends and family to meet me with enthusiasm and support. I was not at all prepared to come up against deeply ingrained societal values that said I should be pursuing a 'real' career, that my intelligence and capability obligated me to achieve conventional success.

Now when I describe my job to people, I feel like it sounds broad enough and difficult enough that it demands a certain level of respect. When I say I helped to write three successful, $65,000 grants and I work in an inner-city school every day, I can prove that I am serious about this.

Still, though, there is this American idea that skill and determination should be compensated monetarily, that I should be chasing the kind of success that will be universally appealing. That isn't what I'm about. My friends and family have come around and more or less appreciate and admire what I am doing, but sometimes when I tell new people what I am doing I still encounter this word:

why?

And, well, why? It's not a question I can answer for everyone. I can't answer it for everyone not because I don't have a strong enough "why," but because there are realities out there not everyone can accept. I don't feel I can blame them. After all, it is so easy to look away, and so hard to believe we have the power to change anything. But I need to, and I do believe it, even if the only change I make this year is for the roughly 250 kids that are going to walk through the doors of my school tomorrow.

Finally

At long last, we've been released into the wild. Yesterday was my first day settling into the new office. The school seems strangely lonely compared to the constant activity at GHCC. There are only three new teachers, and the four of us have been spread out in our own corners of the building for the past two days. Today I ventured down into the kindergarten area to check out the newly renovated -- and very pretty! -- space, an adventure that yielded some conversation with one of the new teachers, which was nice. I am terrible at introductions, and often just slink around and smile at people as if that will convince them I am actually someone they should hold in high regard. Hmm.

Tomorrow all the teachers return, so hopefully the school won't be so quiet and lonely. Hopefully I'll make a good impression and not be totally overwhelmed. This job is forcing me to restructure the way I interact with people, something both positive and difficult.

As ready as we all were to leave and get into our respective schools, we still gravitate back to the main office. Both today and yesterday, we have ended up there together, discussing our days and enjoying familiar company. It's good to know that whatever storms we may encounter in the schools, we have a home at the GHCC office. I mean, really, our department's space is a basement efficiency apartment with yellow walls -- it even looks like it should be more of a home than an office. And despite the quirks as it makes the uneven transition from one to the other -- like not being able to use the (small) printer and the air conditioner at the same time -- it is a comfortable retreat, and I hope it remains so.

We VISTAs are still in training this week (going on week four, counting PSO), so there isn't much going on. All of us can agree we are burned out on training, ready to have our office keys in hand and be released into the wild. Having been here in the office since June 25th, I am seriously ready to move out into my school.

I start there on Monday, geared up for another week of orientation as I sit in on the teachers' professional development week. After that the kids arrive, and I had better be ready.

The blog has been kind of quiet because I am having some computer issues relating to some new hardware I just installed. Hopefully it all gets fixed pretty soon, but my computer usage has been significantly reduced since Sunday night.

Today is Tuesday.

Sometimes everything just feels right. Of course there are days when it is so hard not living in the city. It is hard being the one who is different from everyone else: I didn't come here for VISTA, I had already established a place to live and a basic framework for my life; I am not on my own, renting a room in the city, or free to walk to any neighborhood events that may be going on at night; when the day is done, I am far away. I won't deny that this is difficult and sometimes awkward. But of course there are days when everything feels right and easy and smooth, days when I roll down the windows on my way home even though it's 100 degrees outside, just to feel real air on my face.

Short thoughts at the end of the week.

One week down, two more to go, and only one more week of purely school VISTA training. The more information I absorb, the more I find myself feeling lost. Today I got out some looseleaf to put in my training binder, and on Monday I think I will use it to make some lists. Lists, along with day planners, are some of the most basic elements necessary for my survival.

Also, I am now officially one of those people who have two cell phones. True, this may be because I don't have a land line in my office and the cell phone is like my office phone, but all the same I know I am not the only one who is feeling like they have leveled up. And I did just use "level up" to say I am now capable of wielding twice as many cell phones, you are not mistaken.

As usual, it took me at least 10 tries to record my voicemail greeting. I was sure I could avoid that problem by writing out an outline of what I wanted to say, then locking myself in my car, but no luck.

Despite my continuing exhaustion and sore eyes, I feel energized because the whole weekend is still ahead of me. I haven't found a less exhausting occupation, but at least I have finally reclaimed my weekends after 18 years of schooling. 18 years, wow.

Speaking of reclaiming weekends, Doug and I are still committed to plans just about every weekend, so I cannot imagine what life will be like when we start having weekends that are truly relaxing.

Today we watched The Boys of Baraka. I now want to show it to most people I know. If I could be sure I would keep to my word, I would stop writing for today and promise an entire entry dedicated to the movie. The film placed the viewer squarely in the middle of poverty, of city life, of hope and hopelessness and people who know just what they want but have precious little chance of getting there without an extended hand to help them up. This is a necessary experience for everyone.

Coming on the heels of our parent involvement conversations, Boys of Baraka was a strong reminder that parents love their children even if they have failed to support and provide for them. It was heartbreaking to watch the boys' parents as they wanted so desperately for their children to have a better life, but could not actively provide it.

"Sending them to the Baltimore City schools is sending them to jail."

I hope Boys of Baraka stays on as part of the VISTA training for years to come. It was so valuable for me to watch, having seen America's cities only through the eyes of a true outsider. Driving through a poor neighborhood, I am always burning with curiosity about the lives of the people living there. Usually what I am told of poverty and the inner city seems so alien, so incomprehensible. This documentary stripped that foreignness away and let me walk side by side with these boys, if only for a couple hours.

Random thoughts on VISTA training.

On Monday VISTA training began in earnest. Before diving into the inner workings of Greater Homewood and the Baltimore City schools, a trip to Carma's was in order. Many of my companions followed my example and ordered iced honey lattes, which are heavenly (especially when made with soy milk, and any mixture of coffee and soy requires considerable skill) and I have only ever seen them at Carma's. Also, their signature Icelandic style yogurt and fruit compote never disappoint.

I feel like we have gotten a pleasing mix of slow-digesting information along with ample down time to bond, reflect and, of course, eat. We have two weeks to ease into our new school VISTA skins, and I am thankful for a schedule that gives ample time for learning, work, and play.

Despite being bitterly exhausted from entertaining houseguests in the evenings, the past few days have provided a space to acclimate to my new life. If I learned anything from college, it is that I need to identify potentially harmful tendencies and manage them gracefully from the beginning. During individual meetings today I expressed my concern that I would end up volunteering to attend community meetings, staying in the city literally all day. After burning myself out in such a brutal way during my last year of college, I know I can't return to that lifestyle. I was downright miserable filling 18 hours of the day, for several days per week, with my work. While I'm also downright miserable not working at all, I need to learn to find a balance. This job will absorb as much life energy and time as I allow it. I have never had a problem motivating myself toward high achievement, but admitting limitations of any kind has proven difficult if not impossible at every turn.

Speaking of challenges, I feel like I have some sort of addiction to them. I've received my share of compliments in life, but most of what I see in myself is potential. Of course I'm capable of great things, I just haven't done them yet. I'm always working toward something, hoping, grasping, waiting. Finally, I have an open arena to achieve and excel. I just hope I am up to the challenge.

That has to be everyone's relationship with this job, though. It seems like the only relationship that is sane. The opportunities for learning, personal growth, autonomy, collaboration, and contribution to society are fairly limitless, a fact that is both inspiring and terrifying. Presumably, many others have come before me and I was selected for the job because my superiors thought I would be successful. They have been at this for a while, which almost certainly means I can do it. But everyone has to think, at some point, what if I'm not up to it? What if I don't do enough, can't do enough?